Latest Articles from The Vandal AKA Derek Haines

Take Away A Vampire by Derek Haines

My Take Away Vampire – A Tasty Novella Although Agatha is over three hundred years old, it certainly doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt and fit into ugly post-industrial small town suburbia. Partial to the delights that an evening at McDonald’s often serve her, she waits at her favourite dimly lit corner table – for her kind of take away. Being your typical urban vampire, this means that her fare isn’t up in bright lights on the menu above the cashiers. However, she usually finds exactly what she is looking for. Her teenage beauty, long blonde hair and ice blue eyes are a temptation very few can resist. After a

Playing With Writing

Have fun with your words Writing always seems to be such a serious business. Novels, articles, technical documents, journalism plus one hundred other serious applications of this worthiest of arts. Being a pedantic member of the grammar police and spelling firing squad, I also take my métier very seriously. Paying strict attention to my use of each part of speech in its correct form and ensuring I keep my register under strict control. Well, except for today because today I feel like having complete and utter nonsensical fun with words. Ready? Well, ready or not, here we go! Maxwell Miser mixed metaphors most Monday mornings – mainly mundane – mostly mashed. Annie

Never Write When You’re Drunk

Writing and drinking don’t mix well. Old King Cole was a merry old soul when I caught up with him after an afternoon in a cheap motel with Little Bo Peep minus her sheep. Although he had to rush back to his counting house quite quickly, he did have time to answer a few of my questions. Yes, he was indeed the king in ‘Sing a Song of Sixpence, but he preferred that it be kept quiet. I pressed him about Jenny Wren but he refused to comment and then angrily stormed off. It was a pity for him that he didn’t notice the commotion going on outside as when

How To Promote Your Book – Politely

Being flooded with ‘Please read my book’ and ‘check out my new book now’ requests on various forums, I thought it may be time to scribble a few hints for new self-published authors. I am so tempted to title this list of hints ‘Don’t piss people off before they’ve discovered your book’, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll settle for this. Ten Helpful Hints For Promoting Your Book 1. DO NOT direct message people on any forum asking them to read your new brilliant masterpiece. Guaranteed method for really pissing people off, and poof! There goes a bundle of potential readers/buyers in an instant (message). 2. DO engage with people on social media. The rule