Take Away A Vampire by Derek Haines

My Take Away Vampire by Derek HainesMy Take Away Vampire – A Tasty Novella

Although Agatha is over three hundred years old, it certainly doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt and fit into ugly post-industrial small-town suburbia. Partial to the delights that an evening at McDonald’s often serves her, she waits at her favourite dimly lit corner table – for her kind of takeaway.

Being your typical urban vampire, this means that her fare isn’t up in bright lights on the menu above the cashiers. However, she usually finds exactly what she is looking for. Her teenage beauty, long blonde hair and ice-blue eyes are a temptation very few can resist.

After a long and predictable vampiric existence, trouble is afoot for Agatha. Red-headed, freckled and just a little slow on the uptake sometimes, young Reggie stumbles into Agatha’s predictability and turns it on its head.

Add the over-protective and rhyming ghost of a dead poet, a snarling black wolf, some cops and Agatha’s preference for the 1980’s fashion of mini-skirts, satin halter neck tops and knotted white blouses, things just may go awry.

Along with a couple of untimely and unfortunate deaths, and Reggie’s complete misunderstanding of anything at all that’s going on, the awry becomes a dead certainty.

Enjoy My Take Away Vampire. A very different yet tasty little vampire tale.

Some Reviews

New twist on Vampires

By Fred Paxton

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)

For such a short read the main characters were richly developed. Once started, I could NOT put this book down. Haines puts and interesting twist on vampires that I did not, repeat not, see coming. A delightful book sure to please any vampire lover.


My Take Away Vampire by Derek Haines

By Mary Crocco “book reviewer / writer”

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)

A spoof on the vampire craze? A hilarious comedy?

If you read My Take Away Vampire as a comedic vampire spoof, then you will absolutely love Derek Haines novella.

The vampire is Agatha and the comedy comes from Reggie, who is her botched vampire attempt. There is Mr. Fipps, a ghost in the cemetery where Agatha and others sleep for about 300 years. The other characters you simply must have the fun of discovering yourself.

I recommend reading this amusing story especially if you laugh at the zany vampire craze. It’s a quick read and Derek Haines does not disappoint his readers with his appealing writing style. He develops his characters in depth which entice his readers to yearn for more adventures. Such is the case in My Take Away Vampire, but I can’t tell you which character I hope to follow because it will spoil the story.

So check out this entertaining novella and enjoy a good laugh!


Review of My Take Away Vampire by: Emma Meade on Jan. 09, 2012 :

Forever teenage vampire Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s.

Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey; her preference is male virgins and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice them, i.e. a little teenage tramp.  Agatha is not without heart however and always gives them pleasure before she feeds.

Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood.  In short, Agatha is brazen.  She lives in the old graveyard and her best friend is her neighbour Mr. Fipps who speaks through rhyme.  I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed despite his annoying manner of communication.

There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”.  Keep in mind that this language comes from a teenage boy Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating.  Too much information!  Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’.

Like many before him he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body.  Will Agatha go for the kill or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?

I finished this story in one sitting; it’s easy to read and very well written but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years.  Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed?  Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts?

One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears.   Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago so is this meant to make the fake relationship ok?  She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine).  He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16 and yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining.  In a literary world filled with deep, brooding male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.

The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing.

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