How To Write A Book

how to write a book

How to write a fantasic book

I was reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ for about the umteenth time recently and it occurred to me that although a great read and full of wisdom, it might be a bit long for those who want to get a book out super fast on Amazon.

So I thought I might offer a helping hand for those first time aspiring writers who want to publish their first ebook – this week!

So here is the less than 300-word version of ‘The Vandal On Writing’.

Very first thing to do is get a thesaurus. You’ll really need to find other words to replace really. Really!

Then grab a bag of Scrabble tiles and pick (no peeking) seven tiles. Now get to work and find a title using the seven letters. Got it? Great.

So, Sqwizli is your title and to save time, make him or her your main character.

Now off to to find an image using your title as a search word.

Now just add ‘written by’ and your name and you have everything you need for the front cover.

If you have a long name, shorten it. Popular authors have names consisting of less than 6 letters! King, Brown, Adams, Carey etc.

Now for the book bit. Easy.

Start with a knock at the front door and have Sqwizli choke on his cornflakes in surprise, then when he finally opens the door he gets some surprising (Nope. Used surprise. Where’s the thesaurus?) mysterious news.

Maybe a suspicious letter on the doormat, and when he nervously opens it, it explodes and covers him in chicken liver.

Then just carry on clacking away about how good old Sqwizli goes about solving the mystery, falling in and out of love on the way, and killing one or two bad guys.

Importantly, don’t forget to have a chase in the latter part of the book and an ending.

Sqwizli should have solved the mystery and be in love again by the last page.

There you go. Too simple. Looking forward to reading your new book by next weekend.

30 thoughts on “How To Write A Book”

  1. Thanks for this Derek. I was busy typing away about chicken livers and poof, coffee exploded out of my nose and onto my laptop.

    I'll send you the bill, though it'll take a while since I'm still cracking up.

  2. The Staff Wielder

    lol… 0had me laughing. This is more or less the outli;one for my next project! What am I going to do now?

  3. Matthew MacNish

    Thanks for the follow on Twitter, Derek. I stopped by to follow your blog as well.

  4. This is really, really, really funny. I really need to write a book this way. Thanks. Really!

  5. Thanks Krystal! But it seems you really, really, really need to use a thesaurus too! Really! Lol

  6. Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason

    Hey Derek – Sqwizli is Hal's first cousin once removed – right? You know the part of his family I'm on about, the kissin cousins from up in the Northern Territory. ;)

  7. Oh Jack! You've let the cat's out of the bag!! lol But just between you and me … this is how I write all my books. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone. :)

  8. Love it – I want to send it to every person who has informed me of what an easy job I have. "Oh you're a writer – that's so easy."

    Hands up who now wants to write a book called Sqwizli – or use it to name their next cat? Hmmm, maybe that's just me….

  9. So, can I read this book next week, Derek? I want to know how Sqwizli cracks the case and what I also want to know is what he eats for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  10. Oh Quirina! It's for other writers. Sqwizli is open source. I'm working on something that uses 7 Scrabble letters much better. :))

  11. Most illuminating and inspiring writing advice, Derek. With instruction this pithy, I'm surprised you're not already a maker of millionaire authors. You are worthy of election to the highest office… of Galactic President !!

  12. Brilliant. I'm itching to try it… as soon as I finish my book. 50 chapters down, I'm a writin' machine!

  13. thiswritelife

    Simply wonderful! Had my mind racing at work, then realizing where I was, it went back to sleep.

  14. I was worried at the beginning of the post (” it might be a bit long for those who want to get a book out super fast on Amazon”), but thankfully, it soon became clear you were being facetious. Phew.

  15. This was fun! Now, you must post some instructions on how to score a good sequel! Sqwizli II.

    1. Oh Gabrielle! A sequel is child’s play. Just kill off Sqwizli in the last chapter of book one, then reincarnate him as a vampire in book two! Simple. Do it again, and in book three he can come back as a paranormal Desperate Housewife. The possibilities are endless. :)

      1. Don’t misunderstand: it’s funny, but the ideas are not bad. They CAN be worked…

  16. Jacklyn Whitney

    Hmmm, maybe that’s just me…. I’ll send you the bill, though it’ll take a while since I’m still cracking up.

  17. Awilda Prignano

    Thanks for the follow on Twitter Derek!! I will be naming my next child #Sqwizli in your honor ;-)

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