how to write a book

How to write a fantasic book

I was reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ for about the umteenth time recently and it occurred to me that although a great read and full of wisdom, it might be a bit long for those who want to get a book out super fast on Amazon.

So I thought I might offer a helping hand for those first time aspiring writers who want to publish their first ebook – this week!

So here is the less than 300-word version of ‘The Vandal On Writing’.

Very first thing to do is get a thesaurus. You’ll really need to find other words to replace really. Really!

Then grab a bag of Scrabble tiles and pick (no peeking) seven tiles. Now get to work and find a title using the seven letters. Got it? Great.

So, Sqwizli is your title and to save time, make him or her your main character.

Now off to to find an image using your title as a search word.

Now just add ‘written by’ and your name and you have everything you need for the front cover.

If you have a long name, shorten it. Popular authors have names consisting of less than 6 letters! King, Brown, Adams, Carey etc.

Now for the book bit. Easy.

Start with a knock at the front door and have Sqwizli choke on his cornflakes in surprise, then when he finally opens the door he gets some surprising (Nope. Used surprise. Where’s the thesaurus?) mysterious news.

Maybe a suspicious letter on the doormat, and when he nervously opens it, it explodes and covers him in chicken liver.

Then just carry on clacking away about how good old Sqwizli goes about solving the mystery, falling in and out of love on the way, and killing one or two bad guys.

Importantly, don’t forget to have a chase in the latter part of the book and an ending.

Sqwizli should have solved the mystery and be in love again by the last page.

There you go. Too simple. Looking forward to reading your new book by next weekend.

How To Write A Book

30 thoughts on “How To Write A Book

  • 14/06/2011 at 2:51 am

    Funny post. I love King's book On Writing.

  • 15/10/2011 at 8:48 pm

    Can I throw in a few zombies to give it some shivers? Great post, Derek. Good for the chuckle muscles.

  • 15/10/2011 at 8:49 pm

    I was worried at the beginning of the post (” it might be a bit long for those who want to get a book out super fast on Amazon”), but thankfully, it soon became clear you were being facetious. Phew.

  • 15/10/2011 at 8:58 pm

    This was fun! Now, you must post some instructions on how to score a good sequel! Sqwizli II.

    • 17/10/2011 at 8:57 pm

      Oh Gabrielle! A sequel is child’s play. Just kill off Sqwizli in the last chapter of book one, then reincarnate him as a vampire in book two! Simple. Do it again, and in book three he can come back as a paranormal Desperate Housewife. The possibilities are endless. :)

      • 18/10/2011 at 1:44 am

        Hilarious! Thank you for that laugh!

      • 18/10/2011 at 1:47 am

        Don’t misunderstand: it’s funny, but the ideas are not bad. They CAN be worked…

  • 12/12/2011 at 4:46 am

    Hmmm, maybe that’s just me…. I’ll send you the bill, though it’ll take a while since I’m still cracking up.

  • 04/09/2017 at 8:00 pm

    Thanks for the follow on Twitter Derek!! I will be naming my next child #Sqwizli in your honor ;-)

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