Twitter is a strange beast in the world of social media. It operates on an undefined set of rules that are so vague it is even unclear if Twitter itself is sure as to how it works. It’s a forum so full of clutter and textural pollution that it’s a wonder really why anyone bothers with it at all. But yet they do. It is truly amazing how much rubbish you can fit into 140 characters, and that is the charm of it all.
So the challenge on Twitter is to make sure you are keeping up with the trends and incorporating the correct and acceptable types of rubbish that has made Twitter what is it is today. A remarkable cross section of human existence in all its forms. So let’s get started with some seriously heavy Twitter tips and what to include in your Tweets to make sure you are noticed in the cesspit.
- Always include some erroneous and incomprehensible hashtags in your post. Don’t worry overly about content. Just hash, hash, hashtag away. #sublimelyidiotic #teamfollowanyoneatall
- Always, and I repeat always add a link to a new malaware and or phishing site or spammer. I know it sounds silly, but well everyone else is doing it, so you may as well tag along.
- Make sure you have something to sell. If you don’t please go and play on Facebook until you can come up with an idea of some scam to rip off unsuspecting Twitter users. Do you think this is play school?
- If you are not an author, coach, actress, astrologer, high priced escort or SEO specialist, please go away. Twitter is only for the selected elite. Do you think Twitter was designed to accept common riff raff?
- Learn how to spam. I know it takes time and a bit of technical know how, but if you can’t spam, you will really find it difficult to fit in. Try following a few quality spammers at first and once you get on speaking terms, I’m sure they’ll help you on your way.
- Follow all the celebrities. Don’t miss one. You never know, one of them may follow you back – in your dreams.
- Lastly. Please oh please do not write anything coherent in your posts. The Twitterati will immediately spot you as a Facebook drop in.
By the way. If you think this blog post is absolute twaddle, please think about posting it on Twitter. We really like this kind of stuff.