How To Become Popular On Twitter

Twitter RulesTwitter is a strange beast in the world of social media. It operates on an undefined set of rules that are so vague it is even unclear if Twitter itself is sure as to how it works. It’s a forum so full of clutter and textural pollution that it’s a wonder really why anyone bothers with it at all. But yet they do. It is truly amazing how much rubbish you can fit into 140 characters, and that is the charm of it all.

So the challenge on Twitter is to make sure you are keeping up with the trends and incorporating the correct and acceptable types of rubbish that has made Twitter what is it is today. A remarkable cross section of human existence in all its forms. So let’s get started with some seriously heavy Twitter tips and what to include in your Tweets to make sure you are noticed in the cesspit.

  • Always include some erroneous and incomprehensible hashtags in your post. Don’t worry overly about content. Just hash, hash, hashtag away. #sublimelyidiotic #teamfollowanyoneatall
  • Always, and I repeat always add a link to a new malaware and or phishing site or spammer. I know it sounds silly, but well everyone else is doing it, so you may as well tag along.
  • Make sure you have something to sell. If you don’t please go and play on Facebook until you can come up with an idea of some scam to rip off unsuspecting Twitter users. Do you think this is play school?
  • If you are not an author, coach, actress, astrologer, high priced escort or SEO specialist, please go away. Twitter is only for the selected elite. Do you think Twitter was designed to accept common riff raff?
  • Learn how to spam. I know it takes time and a bit of technical know how, but if you can’t spam, you will really find it difficult to fit in. Try following a few quality spammers at first and once you get on speaking terms, I’m sure they’ll help you on your way.
  • Follow all the celebrities. Don’t miss one. You never know, one of them may follow you back – in your dreams.
  • Lastly. Please oh please do not write anything coherent in your posts. The Twitterati will immediately spot you as a Facebook drop in.

By the way. If you think this blog post is absolute twaddle, please think about posting it on Twitter. We really like this kind of stuff.

15 thoughts on “How To Become Popular On Twitter”

  1. Words to live by, Derek! I’ll make sure I’m ‘following’ these great guidelines in the future. I wouldn’t want the Twitterati to discover me! Now to come up with something to sell… hmmm.

  2. Crap. Wish I’d seen this two years ago. I’ve been doing it all wrong. Now I’ve got to create a fake account using Oprah’s name and figure out how to spam about the last cheese sandwich I ate because it’s very important people know about these things.

    1. Shame on you Pop Culture Nerd. Yes, you’d better get that fake account up and running ASAP. Perhaps two to make up for lost time!

  3. Some days I wake up and think ‘I’m over Twitter’, there’s too many weirdos on it and it’s such a time waster, plus it has also made me realise that I have nothing interesting to say, not in 140 characters anyway!

    BUT, it’s so addictive!

  4. Very funny and very true. A while I had a couple of months when I was an avid twitterer, then one morning I woke up and thought, “what the f### am I doing?!?”

    BTW I read somewhere that the average lifespan of a Twitter user is three months.

  5. I laughed at this one. I did learn that # sign is for in front of my #thewritershelp for the HASH TAG Ya know you have some great posts on your blog. I am learning about twitter so thanks for taking the time to come up with your post today.. Cheers, Jackie

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