Wait! Wait! No, I’m Not Dead Yet

Derek Haines - I'm not dead yet

It seems that I’m not dead yet.

As some of my blog readers might know, I write books from time to time. However, I have a deep, dark and secret past, which out of absolutely nowhere, raised its head in rather spectacular fashion today.

To give you an idea of how totally surprising it was, I had to get out my calculator and double check. In truth, no, I didn’t really get out my calculator, as I haven’t had or seen one in years. The last one I recall I owned was solar powered, and was completely useless, as I kept it where all calculators belong, in a drawer in my desk. I suppose I never thought of putting it on a window sill. Probably because that’s not naturally where one would think to store a calculator. Anyway, so to be totally honest, I actually clicked on the calculator icon on my Macbook.

Luckily I remembered to divide the small number by the big number then multiply by 100 to get a percentage, and yes, February was a 30,100.00% increase in monthly earnings compared to, not just January, but a 30,100.00% increase over every single month for the last ten years, or more.

You see, my secret is that I recorded some music a very long time ago. At around about the time when solar powered calculators were at their height of popularity. And then, I don’t recall how exactly, but at some stage, I must have become adventurous and digitised my analogue recordings. With that accomplished in a ‘well I suppose that’s good enough then‘ kind of fashion, I thought I would become an overnight success in the digital, post solar powered calculator, musical age.

So I began my online solo musical career. Not with a bang, but more with something like a whimpering, defeated sigh. Within six months of uploading my downloadable music, and seeing hardly a penny for my efforts, I realised that my only hope for hall of fame success was to have the good luck to suddenly died in a scandalous newsworthy event. But I didn’t, so fame and fortune eluded me.

Ever one to be inventive in the face of defeat, I decided to ditch the melodies, but keep the words, so hence my career twist into writing.

Ok, so back to the big 30,100.00% shock of today. You see, for the past ten, or it may even be 15  years or more now, I have received my music royalty payment, every month, on the 3rd day of the month, without fail. And for all this time, it has, without fail, amounted to roughly between $0.02 and $0.04. Yes, I’m talking whole cents here. On average, three cents. Ok, it’s been predictable and regular income, but airplay royalty rights for elevator and shopping mall background music have never paid all that well.

With all that said, you will now understand why my music royalty payment for this month was a shock. Yes, it was a staggering 30,100.00% bigger than normal at, wait for it, …. $9.03!! If you have a calculator, solar powered or not, you can check my calculation.

Wow! This must mean that I am now famous in more elevators and shopping malls than I could ever have imagined. And guess what? I’m not even dead yet! Yes, WOW!

So, if you’re curious, daring or just plain silly enough, here’s a video from way back then, when solar powered calculators were at their peak of popularity. Wow! $9.03!

For those of you who are extra curious, yes, in the image at the top of this post, it is me on the album cover. Back at a time before calculators, solar powered or not had even been invented. Yes, I’m getting old, but I assure you, not politely.

Oh no! You don’t want really want an iTunes link, do you? No! ….. Oh well, ok.
Blue Days – Derek Haines

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