HomelessWe all know that we are now entering a period of ‘times ar tough, things are hard, here’s your bloody welfare card’ type of economic recession bordering on a total collapse of the world as we know it. But there’s no use crying in your tea about it all and making a fuss. Screaming and yelling might make you feel good for a short while, but in the long run it won’t help you much, and really, you are going to need your energy for more important matters very soon.

What you need to do is stay calm, become proactive and adapt to the new realities of good old fashioned capitalism at its absolute worst. So here a are a few helpful hints for you about how to survive the impending total collapse of the Western World and all capitalist democracies.

  • First thing to do if you can, is to get elected into government. It doesn’t matter if it’s local, state or federal. Once there, you can sit back, relax, do nothing for about five years, rake in a great salary and a bundle of perks and thumb your nose at the poor bastards starving in the street. However, if you fail to get elected, move on to point two.
  • Enrol in a shoplifting course. Although seemingly easy, shoplifting is a specialised skill and needs to be learned and practiced. Once adept, your chances of surviving starvation will improve greatly.
  • Economists blame the economic collapse on a lack of growth. So try to help out a little by perhaps growing a beard, growing some vegetables or just stay in bed with your spouse and grow a baby. Growing old apparently doesn’t help gross domestic product, so you’ll have to skip this bit.
  • You will need to wean yourself off comfortable beds and mattresses as sleeping in the street usually involves making yourself comfortable on cold hard concrete. If you still have a roof over your head, start by sleeping on the floor for a few nights. Then progress to the kitchen floor. Then when you’re ready, move to the cold of your bathroom floor. It might seem harsh, but you’ll be so thankful that you have prepared yourself for sleeping on the pavement once the bailiff arrives and kicks you out of your house.
  • Stop paying those bills. It is about as useful as installing an ashtray on a motor cycle. You’re going to be destitute soon enough, so why rush into it by giving away your last few dollars to corporations that are going to collapse anyway.
  • If you have young children, start training them now in street begging skills.

Hopefully these few friendly tips will help you, and see you through the doom and gloom. So, off you go and happy and safe Great Second Depression!

How To Survive The Economic Collapse Of The Western World
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4 thoughts on “How To Survive The Economic Collapse Of The Western World

  • 26/10/2011 at 4:33 pm
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    Heh – good advice for those not already sharing my cardboard box under the fly-over.

    I noted on the news this morning that China is invading the west via the back door. They are offering to inject cash into the EU.

    PS – I’ve got a smaller cardboard box if you’re looking for a roof over your head with a brilliant view of the rubbish tip. Don’t knock it Derek, its a great place to pick up a meal.

    :D

  • 27/10/2011 at 1:32 am
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    I spent most of my childhood sleeping on the floor, so I think I’m pretty good on point four. And my little girl is just the cutest darn thing, so I’m gonna go full speed ahead with your recommendation in point six and train her to be the best damn beggar this side of the Apocalypse! Thanks for the tips, Derek! See you on the other side…

  • 27/10/2011 at 10:24 am
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    I was just wondering why I didn’t see a lot of you stuff on Digg, but have just found out you were on here, for interesting stories this is my favourite social website, liked the sarcasm in the story, there have been a few great things on Digg lately Derek that I think that you would enjoy and probably the best format for your stories which I do follow and read because I enjoy your humour.

    • 27/10/2011 at 12:00 pm
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      Thanks for your comment Colette. Very happy to hear that you are enjoying the posts too. I do post to Digg from time to time, but must admit that I’m not a very active user. Perhaps I need pay more regular visits.

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