With tongue firmly in cheek.
With more and more ebooks being published on Kindle every day, it’s getting a little difficult to be noticed amongst the pack. So I thought I might give those of you who are super keen on getting your ebook noticed five helpful tips and tricks. But beware, as these superbly refined techniques are only for those authors who really want to stand out from the crowd.
1. Before you even publish your book, make sure you have trained in the art of being a proper pest. The best way to accomplish this is to learn how to send millions of messages simultaneously on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and by email.
2. Once you have mastered the art of mass circulation, it’s time to get technical and personal. Now learn how to send direct messages en masse and really hit your potential readers with your unique style, personality and complete lack of common decency. Stay tough and just ignore the complaints about invasion of privacy. Hit them hard and hit them often with ‘BUY MY BOOK’. And yes, always use CAPS.
3. Now you have the automation going it’s time to hit the forums. Any book forum will do. Find as many of those pesky competitive authors that you believe are taking the food out of your children’s mouths and start abusing them. Give them heaps and then sit back and laugh as they disappear and you can bathe in the glory of having the whole forum to yourself.
4. Next on the list getting some reviews. Logical. This step is very easy. Anytime you make a connection on any social networking site, immediately tell them to review your book. If they complain that they haven’t read your book, don’t worry, just send them a copy of a review you wrote and get them to post it. And if they don’t? Well, just post it yourself using their name. That’ll teach them for being so pig headed and uncooperative.
5. Do not get caught up in all the blah blah blah of social media sites. You aren’t there for polite conversation and meeting nice people. You’re there to sell your book. So no chatting and wasting time. If someone asks how you are today, just tell them where they can post their review of your book.
So off you go and happy book selling. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the fame and notoriety of being recognised as a world-class pain in the backside within days and reported as a spammer in world record time!