A tongue in cheek approach to bestseller status
Every author wants their book to rise above the slush pile, the mid-list and into the top ten of bestsellers. Why even settle for the top ten. Why not go straight for number one?
However, it is quite surprising how few know how to achieve this simple feat. Really, it’s child’s play if you follow the following useful tips to make your book, no matter how good or long it is, a number one bestseller.
1. First, make sure you’ve actually written a book. Amazing how many potential bestselling authors miss this first step.
2. Too simple for some, but rule 101 in creating a bestseller is buy your own book. Go crazy and blow your credit card limit here, as a faint heart never won fair lady. Make sure your book is super cheap then buy, buy, buy all day and night long.
3. Steal your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend or in fact anyone’s credit card and implement tip two, over and over again. I assure you it will make a difference to your bestseller status. Your marriage, relationship and criminal record? Well, you really want to be a bestseller, don’t you?
4. Tell everyone in your family that you have a terminal illness and your last wish is to be a bestselling author before you draw your last breath. Tip. Make sure you look a little bit poorly though as you just can’t trust family to follow through on promises.
5. Open a Twitter account and get lots and lots of followers. When you have a goodly number, say 5,000, promise to pay $20 to everyone that buys your book. Now the really important bit. When about 1,000 of your Twitter followers have bought your book, leave town and change your name. Don’t forget to give your kids a forwarding address.
6. This last tip is a gem and only for those who really, really, really want to become a bestselling author. Are you ready for this? It’s not for the faint of heart. Ready? Sure?
Ok, here is the last tip. Write a sensationally good book and ignore all the above tips.
There we go. Easy huh?
5 thoughts on “How To Make Your Book A Bestseller”
Another nice post Derek, thanks. Problem is the “subjectivtiy of art” – we all think our books are good enough to be bestsellers, only not enough other, more objective people agree with us!
Best- smest. It’s always a lottery. Just enjoy it and write, write, write. :D
Interesting post!! I really like this site, and hope you will write more, thanks for your information.
That last one sounds like it may be worth a try.
I may even try a variation on the twitter advice.
I’ve decided to use twitter purely for amusement and it has helped to build a following. Tweeting my recent expedition to IKEA actually picked up a few new people.
I don’t think I’ll offer them any cash though…
Great tips!! I especially like the one about claiming your pending death to family members. I’m almost afraid, though, to find out how many would buy the book! lol
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