With tongue firmly in cheek.
With more and more ebooks being published on Kindle every day, it’s getting a little difficult to be noticed amongst the pack. So I thought I might give those of you who are super keen on getting your ebook noticed five helpful tips and tricks. But beware, as these superbly refined techniques are only for those authors who really want to stand out from the crowd.
1. Before you even publish your book, make sure you have trained in the art of being a proper pest. The best way to accomplish this is to learn how to send millions of messages simultaneously on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and by email.
2. Once you have mastered the art of mass circulation, it’s time to get technical and personal. Now learn how to send direct messages en masse and really hit your potential readers with your unique style, personality and complete lack of common decency. Stay tough and just ignore the complaints about invasion of privacy. Hit them hard and hit them often with ‘BUY MY BOOK’. And yes, always use CAPS.
3. Now you have the automation going it’s time to hit the forums. Any book forum will do. Find as many of those pesky competitive authors that you believe are taking the food out of your children’s mouths and start abusing them. Give them heaps and then sit back and laugh as they disappear and you can bathe in the glory of having the whole forum to yourself.
4. Next on the list getting some reviews. Logical. This step is very easy. Anytime you make a connection on any social networking site, immediately tell them to review your book. If they complain that they haven’t read your book, don’t worry, just send them a copy of a review you wrote and get them to post it. And if they don’t? Well, just post it yourself using their name. That’ll teach them for being so pig headed and uncooperative.
5. Do not get caught up in all the blah blah blah of social media sites. You aren’t there for polite conversation and meeting nice people. You’re there to sell your book. So no chatting and wasting time. If someone asks how you are today, just tell them where they can post their review of your book.
So off you go and happy book selling. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the fame and notoriety of being recognised as a world-class pain in the backside within days and reported as a spammer in world record time!
The only trouble is that some gormless idiot will actually try doing as you suggest mate. :D
Well Jack.
You can’t accuse me of appealing to a narrow audience. Seems I even offer free help now for gormless idiots too! Lol :)
…and then some of us gormless idiots are just new and don’t know what the hell they are doing. When I first joined Twitter I used to send posts like that (without the caps) or at least try to work it into conversation. It was why I joined Twitter to begin with. I’m only now getting the hang of what expected behavior of an author is. :)
Don’t worry Wendy, I did exactly the same.
Twitter gives one a huge temptation to hang out your billboard. But then somewhere along the line you understand that people react exactly the same as you do to that approach.
That’s the lesson I’ve learnt. ‘Do unto others’. An oldie, but still a goodie in working out how to market your books.
Thank you Derek for making me feel a little less dumb…lol. You’re a good man. :)
Oh Wendy, we prove how dumb we are by being authors! So let’s just get on with it and have a good time enjoying the ride! lol :)
Love your sense of humor Derek!!
I got to the end of point 2, which advocates writing BUY MY BOOK in CAPS, then quickly scrolled down to the comments section. It wasn’t until I read Jack Eason’s reply that I realised this article was meant to be tongue in cheek…. thank goodness!!
However, all of the above happens far too often, yet all is does is make me vow to NEVER (note the caps) touch anything by that particular author.
There is a lesson to learn here Anne, don’t believe everything you read. LOL :D
Oh Anne. Jack is so right.
Don’t believe everything your read. And especially when it’s written by The Vandal! :)
You forgot an important one. Make sure you respond to EVERY negative or critical review in kind!! You want to make sure to discount all those idiot reviewers, unless of course they give you five stars. Then post it repeatedly for the next two weeks.
Thank you Johanna.
I forgot that important tip. Yes, when you receive a crappy review you must ‘flare’ and attract as much attention as possible to it by calling the reviewer all the nastiet names under the sun. After all, what right does a reader have to dislike your book? Readers! Humph! :)
Thanks Derek. Now I realize I’ve been doing it all wrong. I definitely need to increase my promotional efforts and start bugging people. Not.
Thanks for a great laugh, and I’ll send you a copy of the book review you can post for me. Or I can post it if you like. lol
Oh Niki, I’m way to preoccupied with my own importance, so just post my review of your book on Amazon and use my name. It’ll save so much time! :) lol
ps: Now watch to see how many people believe me! Lol
Derek,
Love your humor…. but are sure I can’t use your new tecniques?LOL! sound more fun that what I am doing… and lets face it these days the height of rudeness will get you noticed and remembered faster than “oh yeah, that’s that nice girl who would like us to buy her book” – I mean whatever works I will give it a try…as I would actually like to sell some of my Books!!
Toodles…
Nora, you are more than welcome to follow my five guaranteed tips to social media oblivion!
One thing is for sure, you’ll be noticed!! For a while. But as for book sales, well don’t expect a lot. :) lol
Derek,
Guess I will just have to stay my old course… and follow popular, smart, funny, and interesting authors like yourself! Probably prove to be more lucrative than being blocked for spam! and ya never know I just might learn something…(please hear chuckles) as I need to learn so much! Just did find out I did it all bassakward (as Mom would say!) to begin with!
Thanks for any info I glean from you! I really do appreciate it!
Toodles…
I now have the word “gormless” as part of my vocabulary. Love this blog. Just my style of humor, and I have shared it.
And by the way, you can all buy my books through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords. Reviews appreciated. (dodges flying tomatoes)
Don’t say I never help Allison. I’ve just hacked your account and sent out 100,000 ‘BUY MY BOOK’ messages for you on a 15 second repeat schedule. That should get you enough tomatoes for a great Bolognese! Lol :)
But I have to tell you that all credit for ‘gormless’ goes to Jack Eason. He’s far more eloquent than me! :)
Derek and Allison,
I could not agree more, love expanding my vocabulary (now could you do something about my spelling!) I will toss this one out there I picked it up yesterday… maybe old hat… I’m just new kid on block -what do I know?! LOL! anyway I actually googled “Squeeeee”
Toodles…
I just have to add my bit to your ‘toodles’ Nora. ‘Toddle-oo’ has been in my vocab since I can remember. Along with my favourites, but sadly hardly used now, ‘ta’ and ‘ta ta’ for thank you and goodbye. Beautiful words! Lol
Derek,
I have a fondness for my salutation as well my Mom (long gone) would say it to me as I would be running out the door!
Now if you promise we can agree ot disagree in advance? as am certain we probably have different politics … but I have to share this with you because you appreciate the toodles too…the way I sign off and have been doing so for years… is googleable!!!LOL!
Try googling this for grins… Toodles… Suzie, you will LOL!!!
Nora is my pen, name my middle name…
(now don’t hate me for my politics)
Toodles…
Derek,
I don’t know if this is appropriate but may I ask a serious question?
Here goes…
I bypassed all the correct steps and simply wrote, illustrated and then set about to publish my first book in a series- Only because I found all the “get an agent or publicist or publisher” advice to be so daunting and time consuming a task. You see, my books are not entertainment purse they are, especially this first book very important books that deal with tough topics for children- if I may stick my ego in my mouth-(you would have to know me to know that is not easy for me to toot my own horn) Because to claim to have an original thought these days seems to be a crime! I believe my book and the critical ideas presented could in all honesty, save children’s lives. In fact I believe in the concepts I present so much I have submitted my idea to Americas Most Wanted and am attempting to work with local law enforcement as well….
So here is that question….well in examining this it appears I went over one question…
Can an everyday person really do this on their own? Can a person generate enough attention to market a book on a huge scale (ever)?? By utilizing social media? I am willing to work hard and learn… but the message in this first book needs to get out to children on a massive scale!
should I put the energy into acquiring that publisher or publicist ?
Well… how does a person find out if ya don’t have the guts to ask? if you’re thinking oh hell no! no way am I replying- I will assume you have the little magic X to delete this post!
and I will Thank You in advance for your time!
Thanks again,
Toodles…
I’m going to answer your question in an obtuse way Nora.
I’m going to refer you to Stéphane Hessel. The originator of the ‘Occupy’ movement.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stéphane_Hessel
Why? Because if at 97 years old he can affect opinion, it proves we all can. It doesn’t matter how, or if you have a publisher.
I hope it inspires you to continue trying. :)
I Thank you again for your straight forwardness, I can appreciate that.
Haha Derek…. Like someone mentioned above (though your pic sent a few warning bells) I started reading and thought, well, I haven’t sent out mass emails yet – should I? And then, reading further, I got it.
A few times a week I get the instant messages with BUY MY BOOK (or something) on them. The books I end up buying are from authors I’ve connected with first through their blogs or tweets or if I’ve met them at a writers’ gathering or something. Something about knowing them prompts me to want to see if I enjoy their writing.
Great post.
I can’t stop laughing! :)
What a hoot. And there are people like this! Too funny.
G’Day! Derekhaines,
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Thanks
This is hilarious. Sure to get a loyal fan base with this!