10 Ways To Become Popular On The Net

Do you want to be popular?

Everyone wants to be liked and be popular with a wide range of friends and acquaintances, so naturally this sense of self-worth must extend to your life on the internet. As we all spend far less time face to face with our friends now, and far more time sat on our collective backsides clicking and clacking away as we seek information, interaction and infamy perhaps, we really need to focus our attention on our internet image.

So you can forget about dressing well, showering regularly and using an expensive deodorant. Forget about combing your hair and brushing your teeth twice a day. Perhaps you can even forget about getting out of bed as none of these things are important in creating your sophisticated internet image. Your online persona is about cool, not clean. It is about hype, not hygiene. So let’s get on with the things you need to do to be internet cool.

1. Stock up on Coke, coffee and chocolate biscuits. You won’t have time for regular meals and shopping, so be prepared for hours of munching.

2. Always be successful. Even if you are a complete dead head and perennial loser, it doesn’t matter a hoot. No one can see you, so go for broke. Tell everyone about your new Porsche or yacht you have berthed in Monaco. Be daring.

3. Lie about your age. Up or down depending on what you want out of your image and don’t forget to create a kick ass photo of yourself to use all over the internet. Who’s going to know it’s a twenty-year-old photo that’s been touched up on Photoshop?

4. Register yourself on every social network you can find. I mean, you can’t be too social now can you? But remember to start an enormously long Excel list of usernames and passwords.

5. Never say anything awful about anyone. That’s really not nice at all. Create an anonymous account or two to spread muck about your ex. Remember, keep your own image clean while you tarnish and embarrass your ex.

6. Get an iPhone. It always looks so much cooler when your Tweets and posts say they are from your iPhone.

7. Never use your boring real name. SexGoddess or WellHungHunk makes a much better impression. Especially when it’s your email address too. Great for those job applications too.

8. Don’t sleep. Really, how can you expect to become outrageously popular if you’re not online? So forget the job, spouse, kids and mortgage and settle in for some 24/7 online attitude.

9.Quit your health club or gym membership. You won’t be needing it now, and you’ll need to put the money to better use. Feeding your kids perhaps.

10. Don’t get into messy romantic and sexy online relationships. Well, at least not until you’re sure it’s going to be better than the one you’re in now. Always seek improvement.

10 Ways To Become Popular On The Net
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15 thoughts on “10 Ways To Become Popular On The Net

  • 24/02/2011 at 3:39 pm
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    Derek, thanks for the early morning belly-laugh! Man, oh man, I sure hear you on a number of these counts! Gone are the days when a writer could be a wise old hag (not unlike yours truly) whom people respected for her insights. No, now the images are all of svelt young vampire fighter-ettes and young hunks with six-packs!

    Thank God we haven't lost our sense of humour! (And thank God we're not afraid of getting lines from laughing!)
    Best, Donna

  • 24/02/2011 at 6:00 pm
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    Thanks Donna! If we can't laugh, what else can we do? I don't see my six-pack returning and I'm hopeless at vampires. :))

  • 25/02/2011 at 12:22 am
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    Linked to your blog post. I enjoyed it so much I want to share! ;) TY for the entertainment.

  • 25/02/2011 at 9:06 am
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    Link away Kim! Glad you enjoyed it.

  • 26/02/2011 at 5:18 am
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    One of the funniest posts I've read recently!

    Thanks, Derek!

  • 26/02/2011 at 5:47 am
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    brilliant brilliant post man! #6 made me really LOL :D thanks for morning dose of humor :D

    N

  • 26/02/2011 at 5:50 am
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    Another good one Derek. I can't even think of a response for this one.I must be slipping.

  • 26/02/2011 at 6:36 am
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    Excellent job Derek. I laughed my butt off, but I'm too old to roll on the floor while doing it.

  • 10/03/2011 at 2:21 pm
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    Thank you for showing me the way! Hilarious. And useful.

  • 19/04/2011 at 9:47 am
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    An Excel list. Great! Why didn't I think of that? I need to now transfer my looooooooooong list of usernames and passwords out of that tiny old notebook and onto a computer.

    And thanks for the laugh :-)

  • 23/06/2011 at 9:47 am
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    Derek, forget about that six-pack. It may not be a better look, but the Party Seven always held more beer!

  • 08/08/2011 at 12:08 pm
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    Haha, thats so effin true :-D

  • 19/10/2011 at 5:24 am
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    Derek, thank you!! Your article is priceless, I just decided to become popular online! :-) And I even have an iPhone! Am I not lucky?! :-)

  • 19/10/2011 at 5:36 am
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    I’m six years old, and my mommy does not know I’m reading this. I cancelled my gym membership a few minutes ago, and I am just about to take my sports car out for a spin. I live in a palace in Monaco, and always tweet from my iPhone. … I should get back to my real life now – if I had one. :)

  • 08/11/2017 at 5:29 pm
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    Love this, it gave me a laugh.
    Note to self- buy and i-phone!

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