Do you want to be popular?
Everyone wants to be liked and be popular with a wide range of friends and acquaintances, so naturally this sense of self-worth must extend to your life on the internet. As we all spend far less time face to face with our friends now, and far more time sat on our collective backsides clicking and clacking away as we seek information, interaction and infamy perhaps, we really need to focus our attention on our internet image.
So you can forget about dressing well, showering regularly and using an expensive deodorant. Forget about combing your hair and brushing your teeth twice a day. Perhaps you can even forget about getting out of bed as none of these things are important in creating your sophisticated internet image. Your online persona is about cool, not clean. It is about hype, not hygiene. So let’s get on with the things you need to do to be internet cool.
1. Stock up on Coke, coffee and chocolate biscuits. You won’t have time for regular meals and shopping, so be prepared for hours of munching.
2. Always be successful. Even if you are a complete dead head and perennial loser, it doesn’t matter a hoot. No one can see you, so go for broke. Tell everyone about your new Porsche or yacht you have berthed in Monaco. Be daring.
3. Lie about your age. Up or down depending on what you want out of your image and don’t forget to create a kick ass photo of yourself to use all over the internet. Who’s going to know it’s a twenty-year-old photo that’s been touched up on Photoshop?
4. Register yourself on every social network you can find. I mean, you can’t be too social now can you? But remember to start an enormously long Excel list of usernames and passwords.
5. Never say anything awful about anyone. That’s really not nice at all. Create an anonymous account or two to spread muck about your ex. Remember, keep your own image clean while you tarnish and embarrass your ex.
6. Get an iPhone. It always looks so much cooler when your Tweets and posts say they are from your iPhone.
7. Never use your boring real name. SexGoddess or WellHungHunk makes a much better impression. Especially when it’s your email address too. Great for those job applications too.
8. Don’t sleep. Really, how can you expect to become outrageously popular if you’re not online? So forget the job, spouse, kids and mortgage and settle in for some 24/7 online attitude.
9.Quit your health club or gym membership. You won’t be needing it now, and you’ll need to put the money to better use. Feeding your kids perhaps.
10. Don’t get into messy romantic and sexy online relationships. Well, at least not until you’re sure it’s going to be better than the one you’re in now. Always seek improvement.