The McDonald’s Vampire

Vampire at McDonalds by Derek HainesI have been asked numerous times why I don’t write in popular genres such as romance, paranormal, vampire, urban fantasy or stories that involve wizards and pixies. Well, the honest answer is that I am just plain hopeless at it. But in an attempt to pacify the calls, here’s a good example of why.

The McDonald’s Vampire

Reggie tried to stay cucumber cool, but with the prospect of his life changing moment arriving unexpectedly, he could only manage a sixteen year old, hot and eager to trot type of coolness. Agatha had taken him by surprise in accepting – over the last munches of cold MacDonald’s French fries – his nervous invitation back to his house, which was as of that very morning, parent and sibling free. He had escaped the three-day visit to his grandparents by having the good fortune of a compulsory maths exam the following day.

He couldn’t believe his luck as they walked hand in hand in the evening moonlight towards his house. Agatha was also feeling lucky, fighting hard to keep her appetite and fangs under control until the anticipated moment arrived. She took a deep breath, which Reggie misunderstood completely, and settled her sweet ‘Pollyanna’ persona back into place.

Taking no chances, Reggie guided Agatha to the sofa and passed on any preliminaries. His fondling was surprisingly and warmly accepted, so he ventured immediately up the back of Agatha’s blouse and tried his hand at one hand unclipping. He’d studied this on the Internet for hours but was discovering that it was not an easy skill at all. It was a difficult three clipper, and after managing two, the last one just wouldn’t budge.

As he surrendered his one-handed, ham-fisted method for a two-handed attack, his attention moved from Agatha’s eyes and towards his stubborn target. This was a mistake on Reggie’s part, as if he had stayed gooey-eyed with her he probably would have noticed a remarkable change coming over Agatha’s eyes and dental arrangement. As he fumbled away, Agatha’s hand placement and motion gave Reggie the distinct feeling that his Levi’s were really too tight for this type of situation.

Finally, Reggie succeeded with a ‘snap’ that made Agatha jump a little but Reggie was too busy now, seeking the prizes he had fought so hard to win. As he ran his hands around to the front of Agatha’s blouse, he was reassured of her approval by the gentle way she was kissing his neck. He was busy with his rewards, while Agatha was busy finding the perfect spot for her own sanguineous reward.

‘I’ll get the suitcases, Mary!’ Reggie’s father’s booming voice announced as the front door suddenly burst open. ‘Ok, I’ll get Susie to bed and call the doctor,’ Reggie’s mum replied.

The moment was lost. Reggie cursed his young sister while Agatha tidied herself and slipped out effortlessly through the living room window. Into the night – despondent, desirous and delightfully dangerous.

Update: I finally caved in and wrote a novella based on this little micro tale.

18 thoughts on “The McDonald’s Vampire”

  1. Let me be brutally honest. I think you can convert this into an excellent little novella..or at least a tidy short story by mixing both horror, satire or even parody of the recent vampire craze of the teens. This simply isn't you being silly, this is you being at your best!! And no. It was silly at all. Your tweet really misguided me. lol

  2. This will never be expanded upon Pri!!! But thanks for the compliment. :)

  3. Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason

    Made me laugh Derek. A brilliant and funny parody of a much overworked genre mate. :))

  4. So, novel material Jack? But how will I find an excuse to include a Cosmic Cruiser or two?

  5. Derek's going Twilight! *facepalm* but to write something like that, in that style, you would first need a frontal lobotomy…

  6. So that's a yes then Natalie? :) And as Tom Waits so famously said, 'i'd much prefer a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.'

  7. oops, I don't think that came out the way I meant it. I mean not hemmed up in one genre.

  8. bittenbyspain

    An enjoyable little venture into the twilight world, regrettably made entirely unbelievable by the fact that anyone knows that vampires would eschew frequenters of MacDonalds on the basis that they would be entirely tasteless ;-)

  9. I agree Bittenbyspain. The' Evil 3 Golden Arched Empire' has been highly successful in removing all semblance of taste from potentially palatable adolescents. :)

  10. Well Jack, I think Mermaids would have me all at sea and out of my depth! :)

      1. To be honest, I don’t like vampire stories – but really liked ur trial run.

  11. Well, Derek, you’ve pulled off an excellent short story here; satiric, clever, original, exciting and amusing. Vamps meet at McDonald’s… This should appeal to everyone.

    I’d like to see this included in a book of short stories by you. Don’t let it go to waste.

    Keep writing and best of luck.

    Hugs – Betty

    1. Thank you Betty. It has really surprised me how many people like this little tale. It was really meant as a joke when I wrote it, as I have no idea whatsoever about vampires and paranormal. But perhaps I should do a little learning :)

  12. Andre Michael Pietroschek

    It is one part wishful thinking, but two parts factually experienced reality: Reading a novel on any smartphone, even the seven inch screens, hurts the eyes and causes headaches.

    Hence the time for novelette & novella might be one more legitimate step on the way of authorship, depending on one factor, the readers buying it, or not.

    Inspiring idea, thank you!

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