Some of my readers may recall my friend Act Hod Romp. I have mentioned him once or twice in my posts before. But if you are not aware, he is a truly remarkable doctor. As he must hide behind the secrecy of hush, hush medical ethics, I have given him this wonderfully memorable pseudonym to protect the privacy of his victims, er, I mean patients.
Well anyway, just to recap a little. My good friend Act Hod Romp has been entertaining himself the last couple of years or so by injecting, chopping, slicing, dicing and generally inflicting as much pain and suffering as humanly possible on my old body. Normally at intervals of about one month or so, just to ensure the healing process is interrupted by some more injecting, slicing, dicing and stitching. Covering great swathes of my body’s geography, he has meticulously gone about his work and endeavoured to leave his unique mark on all visible, and some invisible, areas of my anatomy.
Each traumatic session of anaesthetised, scalpel wielding fun and frolic has been accompanied by banter between the two of us and we just had so much fun. Laughing away the odd squirt of red, and trading jokes. Discussing new characters for my books, or how my new scar will look. Of course, he does have a sadistic streak. Insisting on playing one of my CDs while he happily chops away with his scalpel is really painful. But, I just grit my teeth knowing it’s only 55 minutes long.
Sadly though, this fun filled relationship may be about to suffer a long hiatus. I have just returned from a disappointing visit with my good friend. He tried his very best for over 45 minutes. Checking and rechecking. Analysing, probing, scanning and polaroiding every possible hiding place. All to no avail though. It is with deep regret that I must report that my friend and doctor Act Hod Romp found nothing at all worth attacking with his scalpel. Nothing even worth a nasty little biopsy.
So in bitter disappointment, we stood and faced each other, shook hands and bid farewell. Both saddened to know that our beautiful relationship is on the rocks. Will it survive the next six months apart?