How To Survive The Economic Collapse Of The Western World

We all know that we are now entering a period of ‘times are tough, things are hard, here’s your bloody welfare card’ type of economic recession bordering on a total collapse of the world as we know it. But there’s no use crying in your tea about it all and making a fuss. Screaming and yelling might make you feel good for a short while, but in the long run it won’t help you much, and really, you are going to need your energy for more important matters very soon.

What you need to do is stay calm, become proactive and adapt to the new realities of good old-fashioned capitalism at its absolute worst. So here are a few helpful hints for you about how to survive the impending total collapse of the Western World and all capitalist democracies.

• First thing to do if you can, is to get elected into government. It doesn’t matter if it’s local, state or federal. Once there, you can sit back, relax, do nothing for about five years, rake in a great salary and a bundle of perks and thumb your nose at the poor bastards starving in the street. However, if you fail to get elected, move on to point two.
• Enrol in a shoplifting course. Although seemingly easy, shoplifting is a specialised skill that needs to be learned and practised. Once adept, your chances of surviving starvation will improve greatly.
• Economists blame the economic collapse on a lack of growth. So try to help out a little by perhaps growing a beard, growing some vegetables or just stay in bed with your spouse and grow a baby. Growing old apparently doesn’t help gross domestic product, so you’ll have to skip this bit.
• You will need to wean yourself off comfortable beds and mattresses as sleeping in the street usually involves making yourself comfortable on cold, hard concrete. If you still have a roof over your head, start by sleeping on the floor for a few nights. Then progress to the kitchen floor. Then when you’re ready, move to the cold of your bathroom floor. It might seem harsh, but you’ll be so thankful that you have prepared yourself for sleeping on the pavement once the bailiff arrives and kicks you out of your house.
• Stop paying those bills. It is about as useful as installing an ashtray on a motorcycle. You’re going to be destitute soon enough, so why rush into it by giving away your last few dollars to corporations that are going to collapse anyway?
• If you have young children, start training them now in street begging skills.

Hopefully, these few friendly tips will help you and see you through the doom and gloom. So, off you go and happy and safe, Great Second Depression!