Yes, I know all about an unhealthy lifestyle. I should. So far, my whole life has been totally devoted to it. Every single day, I do my best to ensure that I will not die in excellent health. Unlike some, who suffer a life of misery and lettuce leaves, just to compete with me in the existence race. To me it’s not about winning an extra day, week or year or two. It’s about having fun and then dying for a very good reason.
As a young boy, my mother would send me out into the blazing Australian sunshine in plus one hundred degrees, covered in suntan oil (aka olive oil) for a few hours so I would get some colour. Without this determination on my mother’s part, my dermatologist and I would not be such good friends now. He likes me. Probably because I’m good for business, but I think he likes me all the same. I have my next appointment with his scalpel next month in fact.
From this humble start of being baked into a guaranteed cancerous skin future, diet became the next hurdle to clear. Mutton. If you haven’t heard this word in a while, it’s probably a good thing. Mutton is a very old lamb. Well, old sheep in fact. The meat is fatty and smelly, and when cooked in a stew it is chock-o-block full of high octane cholesterol, fat and grease. Just add vegetables that have had every vitamin boiled out of them over the course of an afternoon, and you’re on your way to a nutritionist’s nightmare.
Once out of my mother’s impassioned care, I independently added the necessary alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, pesticides, poisons, fat, sugar, salt and adopted the mandatory couch potato exercise routine to carry on her good work.
So where do I stand now? Well, apart from a few small scars where my dermatologist has been playing with his scalpel, not too bad. I have survived the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s 80’s 90’s and into the 00’s now. Avoiding all medical, scientific and news worthy health warnings along the way. And quite remarkably, I am still very much alive.
Getting to an age now where doctor’s appointments, medical procedures, heart pills and medical tests occupy a great deal of conversation time amongst my friends and myself, I have noticed something. My health freaking, non-smoking, non-drinking, no caffeine I won’t sleep and I run everyday friends are doing no better than me. They are all getting on, and suffering the effects of age. Three score and ten I say.
Doesn’t matter what you do, you’re not going to live much past your pre-destined use by date.
Cough, cough, splutter, splutter, wease, wease, ache, ache, creak, creak, ha, ha, having fun!