The popular Twitter social networking site has been taken over by the US government. A spokesman for the US department of Very Secret Stuff, Mr Winston Smith, confirmed the move was made under the Failed Business Model program and as a move to enhance National Insecurity.
Although not wanting to be quoted, he said that Twitter was an ideal enterprise to be taken under government control as it was ideally loss making, had incomprehensible terms of service and was highly unreliable in service delivery. All of these attributes made it a perfect public utility.
It is understood from comments by reliable but un-named sources close to the deal that Twitter will be transferred immediately to the US Department of Homeland Insecurity and used as a new robust tool in the fight against people keeping silly little secrets. It has also been confirmed that a Twitter account will now be mandatory for all US citizens, and for any person wishing to travel to or communicate with the US.
Additionally, diplomats, heads of state and terrorist organisations will not be officially recognised unless they supply an active Twitter account to the relevant authorities. They will also need to login every morning with a message saying ‘Good morning. Oh I really need coffee,’ to have their accreditation ratified.
In unconfirmed reports by a number of ‘leak’ sites, there is a developing rumour that the US department of Very Secret Stuff will insist that all social media sites now use official Twitter logins for all members of their sites so all silly little secrets can be more easily indexed.
A spokesperson for the human right watchdog group, PABAR (Power Abuse By Autocratic Regimes), said that they had received no complaints about the issue and had in fact already registered their own Twitter account with the US authorities and expected to be ratified as a Non-Governmental Terrorist Organisation as soon as they posted their required number of morning coffee messages.
A small but vocal group of protesters gathered outside the offices of the US Department of Homeland Insecurity yesterday evening, but were quickly taken away and never seen again.