We all know that there are some really bad drivers on our roads. My research has revealed that the worst case serially bad drivers fall into five distinct categories. So here are the findings of my research and I hope they serve as way to recognise these maniacs much quicker and easier.
Audi Drivers : This large group of drivers are without a doubt the most dangerous and unpredictable drivers on our roads and highways. Indecision is their defining trait and this manifests itself right from the time of purchasing a car. Of course they wanted a German car and had looked at Mercedes and BMW but became rather frugal on the sight of the price. This of course lead them down to a Volkswagen, but they just couldn’t bear the embarrassment of actually being seen driving one. Hence the back and forth to an Audi dealer.
This seriously dangerous trait of indecision carries forward into their driving as can be seen by their habit of indicating four different ways before deciding to finally turn right; from the left hand lane of course. Another classic example is an Audi driver selecting a parking place. More circles than a dog looking to do his business before finally deciding to take up two parking spaces as it was easier to use the line to keep the car parked almost straight.
Nuns, Priests and Vicars : This collective group pose a hell of a danger to other drivers. We all know where they want to end up, and is there a faster way to heaven than a seriously good high speed collision? Pray that you are not in their path on a high speed freeway.
Very Pretty Young Women : This group is highly recognisable as they normally drive a yellow convertible Peugeot 206 and have a mobile telephone in one hand and are applying mascara with the other. Having only the knowledge that there is a ‘go’ pedal and a ‘stop’ pedal, this leads to rather sudden jerking movements of the car particularly at high speed in car parks. Another classic sign is the deformed thumb from one handed texting and chaffing of the inner thighs from trying to steer the car.
Balding Men In Old Red Fiats : So dangerous are these drivers, they really should be obliged to carry a special purple flashing disco light on the top of their vehicle. They can be generally described as middle aged, balding and have an extremely small penis. The cars they drive are always faded red, old and beaten up and have a motor only slightly bigger that their penis. These cars always blow smoke and fumes on anyone following and make an ‘elastic band’ sort of sound.
But is is their habit of having to pass any vehicle within a distance of ten miles that makes them truly so dangerous.
Arabs In Really Really Expensive Cars : I really shouldn’t include this group as bad drivers. In fact I withdraw any assertion that they are bad drivers immediately and without reservation. But I have to include them for their propensity of being the world’s most dangerous parkers. When you can afford a Hummer that is gold plated, bullet proof and diamond studded, would you give a rat’s arse about a parking ticket? You would leave it anywhere that totally suited you. Right?
So don’t get excited the next time you see a gleamingly golden Ferrari parked at the front door of Harrods. You would do exactly the same; if you could. Right?