We all know that there are some really bad drivers on our roads. My research has revealed that the worst case serially bad drivers fall into five distinct categories. So here are the findings of my research and I hope they serve as way to recognise these maniacs much quicker and easier.

Audi Drivers : This large group of drivers are without a doubt the most dangerous and unpredictable drivers on our roads and highways. Indecision is their defining trait and this manifests itself right from the time of purchasing a car. Of course they wanted a German car and had looked at Mercedes and BMW but became rather frugal on the sight of the price. This of course lead them down to a Volkswagen, but they just couldn’t bear the embarrassment of actually being seen driving one. Hence the back and forth to an Audi dealer.

This seriously dangerous trait of indecision carries forward into their driving as can be seen by their habit of indicating four different ways before deciding to finally turn right; from the left hand lane of course. Another classic example is an Audi driver selecting a parking place. More circles than a dog looking to do his business before finally deciding to take up two parking spaces as it was easier to use the line to keep the car parked almost straight.

Nuns, Priests and Vicars : This collective group pose a hell of a danger to other drivers. We all know where they want to end up, and is there a faster way to heaven than a seriously good high speed collision? Pray that you are not in their path on a high speed freeway.

Very Pretty Young Women : This group is highly recognisable as they normally drive a yellow convertible Peugeot 206 and have a mobile telephone in one hand and are applying mascara with the other. Having only the knowledge that there is a ‘go’ pedal and a ‘stop’ pedal, this leads to rather sudden jerking movements of the car particularly at high speed in car parks. Another classic sign is the deformed thumb from one handed texting and chaffing of the inner thighs from trying to steer the car.

Balding Men In Old Red Fiats : So dangerous are these drivers, they really should be obliged to carry a special purple flashing disco light on the top of their vehicle. They can be generally described as middle aged, balding and have an extremely small penis. The cars they drive are always faded red, old and beaten up and have a motor only slightly bigger that their penis. These cars always blow smoke and fumes on anyone following and make an ‘elastic band’ sort of sound.

But is is their habit of having to pass any vehicle within a distance of ten miles that makes them truly so dangerous.

Arabs In Really Really Expensive Cars : I really shouldn’t include this group as bad drivers. In fact I withdraw any assertion that they are bad drivers immediately and without reservation. But I have to include them for their propensity of being the world’s most dangerous parkers. When you can afford a Hummer that is gold plated, bullet proof and diamond studded, would you give a rat’s arse about a parking ticket? You would leave it anywhere that totally suited you. Right?

So don’t get excited the next time you see a gleamingly golden Ferrari parked at the front door of Harrods. You would do exactly the same; if you could. Right?

Serially Bad Drivers
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4 thoughts on “Serially Bad Drivers

  • 05/08/2010 at 3:44 am
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    "Honk if you love Jesus…text while driving if you want to meet him" – Bumper sticker. =)

  • 05/08/2010 at 8:50 am
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    Derek, I needed a damned good laugh mate – thanks :)

  • 05/08/2010 at 8:54 am
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    LOL My favorite is the balding middle aged men. You left out the part where they honk their horn at every attractive woman they see on the street. lol
    On a more serious note, texting is the worst. Most all of the young people do it. I am not sure about the stats, but it has to be up there with drinking and driving… Then there are those young men who think that they are on maneuvers in Iraq. They like to go about 90 miles per hr. and weave in and out. Oh! and truck drivers who are notorious for thinking that they own the road. Let's not forget about those who are actually asleep at the wheel.

    P.S. What's wrong with pussy cat? :( I had to add cat :)

  • 06/08/2010 at 1:14 am
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    This is great! I must add Cadillac drivers to your list. Caddies seem to be driven by the over-65 set who've made their bundle, had their fun, gotten their way and feel entitled to the entire road. Caddies usually crap out after a couple of years then become known as white-trash cars thereby having a new oil-smoke belching, rusty incarnation with a totally different species of scary drivers behind the wheel.

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