Crystal ballAs every decent writer, thinker and idiot should do, I am going to stick my neck out and make some incisive predictions into what this New Year will hold. If economists, astrologers, philosophers and the rapidly reducing number of real ‘hack’ journalists can do it, I reckon I’m entitled to as well. So here we go with my 2011, extensively researched and highly probable predictions.

January: Sarah Palin will have a complete make-over. Totally and utterly blonde to show that she is no fake. She is in fact truly ruley a real dumb blonde trapped in a dumb brunette’s body. Expect plenty of Tipp-Ex on your computer screens as she embarks on a high powered social media campaign to prove her true blondeness.

February: The Maldives will disappear under the tide of the rising Indian Ocean. Although scientifically proven to be the result of global warming, everyone will deny it and and make believe that it never happened. Even though tropical paradise Maldives holidays will still be advertised, it won’t be until Wikileaks reveals the truth in eight years that anyone will notice.

March: Afghanistan will invade Iraq and really put the cat amongst the pigeons. The US Congress will be so confused it won’t know which way is up and President Obama will calmly tell the world that he knew this was going to happen and not to worry as all is under control. And that it’s all a long way away from Chicago anyway.

April: After Julian Assange’s illegal rendition by the US to a Moldavian torture camp, he will miraculously turn up in Tibet and be pronounced by China to be the one and only Dali Lama and take his place as one of the world’s most respected spirituallyleaking leaders.

May: Israel will happily help create a Palestinian state and live happily ever after with its new but really old friends and neighbours. Those lovely Palestinians. It will then invade Cypress because it’s bored and they’ll really piss off Turkey and Greece.

June: Smoking will be banned on the mainland, all territories plus international waters of the USA. Any infringement will result in the mandatory death penalty. Official drug and narcotic trafficking by the US government to fund international wars will not be affected by this small amendment.

The year will continue on my next post.

My 2011 Crystal Ball – Part One
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One thought on “My 2011 Crystal Ball – Part One

  • 12/01/2011 at 7:58 pm

    I am very glad that the year will continue on the next post. Trapped in this weird dimension between blogs, it seems as if time itself has truly stopped for me. Here i was thinking it was June, almost July, and that I had really missed the blizzards, the snow, and of course the sinking of The Moldives. It wasn't until @dirtygarnet on Twitter informed me that The Moldives was not a Naval Vessel at all but a geographical location that I felt relieved, as I hadn't missed that much after all.

    I am much more relieved now that I have read the last sentence again. "The Year will Continue on My Next Post"… thank God you are in charge.

    I tweet at @Samuel_Clemons

    PS: I noticed that you lumped decent writers in with idiots.. I think that is giving writers alot more credit than they deserve.

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