As every decent writer, thinker and idiot should do, I am going to stick my neck out and make some incisive predictions into what this New Year will hold. If economists, astrologers, philosophers and the rapidly reducing number of real ‘hack’ journalists can do it, I reckon I’m entitled to as well. So here we go with my 2011, extensively researched and highly probable predictions.
January: Sarah Palin will have a complete make-over. Totally and utterly blonde to show that she is no fake. She is in fact truly ruley a real dumb blonde trapped in a dumb brunette’s body. Expect plenty of Tipp-Ex on your computer screens as she embarks on a high powered social media campaign to prove her true blondeness.
February: The Maldives will disappear under the tide of the rising Indian Ocean. Although scientifically proven to be the result of global warming, everyone will deny it and and make believe that it never happened. Even though tropical paradise Maldives holidays will still be advertised, it won’t be until Wikileaks reveals the truth in eight years that anyone will notice.
March: Afghanistan will invade Iraq and really put the cat amongst the pigeons. The US Congress will be so confused it won’t know which way is up and President Obama will calmly tell the world that he knew this was going to happen and not to worry as all is under control. And that it’s all a long way away from Chicago anyway.
April: After Julian Assange’s illegal rendition by the US to a Moldavian torture camp, he will miraculously turn up in Tibet and be pronounced by China to be the one and only Dali Lama and take his place as one of the world’s most respected spirituallyleaking leaders.
May: Israel will happily help create a Palestinian state and live happily ever after with its new but really old friends and neighbours. Those lovely Palestinians. It will then invade Cypress because it’s bored and they’ll really piss off Turkey and Greece.
June: Smoking will be banned on the mainland, all territories plus international waters of the USA. Any infringement will result in the mandatory death penalty. Official drug and narcotic trafficking by the US government to fund international wars will not be affected by this small amendment.
The year will continue on my next post.