It has taken me 1,698,278,400 seconds to come to the sudden realisation that this life business is not so infinite after all. In the recent 1,000 seconds or so, I have calculated that I have, given my family DNA, somewhere between 628,992,000 and 943,488,000 seconds left available to solve all the life questions I have left unanswered. With my super unhealthy life style, I should probably reckon on 628,992,000 seconds as being closer to my extinction time, so I better get a move on.

I had never thought about this, but why do we measure our life in years anyway. Why not weeks? By this calculation I am 2,808 this week! Or days? 19,656 today! Or decades. That makes me 5.4. Sound nice. Or centuries. I am exactly 000.54 today. Whichever way I look at it though, the one salient fact that remains is that I have used up more seconds, hours, days, weeks, years and decades than I have left available.

So what to do about this rather disappointing news?

For me personally, I think the best approach is to take a deep breath, gather myself, release any tension, find a state of calm and then slowly raise myself from my prone position on the sofa and walk carefully to the nearest window. As I live on the 14th floor, this offers a great view of the world around me. Then, with great care, open the window very wide, take a deep breath of cool, fresh autumn air and admire the snow caps in the distance.

From this idyllic vantage point, I can then, with careless abandon scream at the decibel limit of my larynx and lungs:

“Hello World! What a real bastard you have turned out to be!”


Then back to my sofa, full of fresh air and an aggravated larynx, to continue using up my remaining 628,992,000 seconds, or less, satisfied with the fact that I have delivered my prophetic message to the world at long last. Now I can happily head towards my impending use by date with a really bad attitude! Ha!

Life? Quoi?
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