No matter how hard I try, I cannot avoid health advice. Well, I expect it from my doctor, otherwise he would be out of work. It bombards me daily from all angles. Television, radio, newspapers, spam emails, Facebook, Twitter, friends, relatives and total strangers at bus stops. So I would like to make it abundantly clear, once and for all. I do not want to die in absolute perfect health. So stop it!
When I die, I want to wake up the next morning and know exactly why I died. Not just from healthy old age, but for a non negotiable, tangible and attention seeking reason. It would be great if I could emulate a few of my bygone heros and fall off my perch in a place crash, drug overdose or motorcycle accident. These might be a bit hard as I can’t afford to fly, don’t know where to buy LSD these days and I am scared of motorcycles.
Regardless of this, there are of course classics like alcohol poisoning, drowning in a friend’s swimming pool at three am or being shot by a fan. (This last one really might be stretching my hopes a bit.) I would however try an avoid choking on a ham sandwich. It didn’t really give Mama Cass the afterlife fame she deserved.
Then there is just the plain old friends, Nick O. Tine and Al K. Hole. These guys really did it for Dean Martin and the rest of the Rat Pack. Sent them off with eternal fame. Well, except for Peter what’s his name? Oh please bring back movies and television shows where everyone who is anyone is black and white and dragging emotionally on a filterless Marlboro or Camel and sipping whiskey while they mime their one and only hit.
Ordinary unhealthy diet regimes are also top of my list. Along with extremely moderate, if hardly ever at all, exercise. Plus my daily requirement of fat and grease topped of with anything sweet an gooey. I’m having a whale of a time with this and can only hope for a King type collapse in the bathroom.
I am careful not to use yellow or white pedestrian crossings though. I read recently that eighty-five percent of pedestrians are killed on those damn things. So I cross well away from them. What? Do you think I have a death wish?
So in conclusion I would just like to say if you have any notion of helping me live to a ripe old boring age you can shove your health advice firmly and squarely back from where it emanated and leave me be.
I wanna do this thing my way!