tom waitsI wish I had been the one clever enough to immortalise this title phase for my rant today. But it wasn’t me unfortunately. It was the ultimate poet and word magician, Tom Waits.

While others may find their yuletide musical peace, love and understanding in listening to Bing Crosby, Pavarotti, John Lennon or heaven forbid, Celine Dion or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I prefer my one seasonal dose of acidic musical honesty. Forget decking the halls with holly, or dreaming of a White Christmas. Give me another dose of Tom Waits and Peter Murphy announcing that Christmas is just a pain in the nuts!

Oh, give me a noose I can hang from the tree, the first line in the song, sets your aural senses alight with the expectation of pending acerbic utterances. This holiday season is all the more reason to die, two lines later, fulfils the promise.

I just love this honest imagery of what Christmas really means to many. This time of the year makes me sick to my guts. I could never hope to capture my bah humbug feelings about the now over commercialised and consumer exploited season that was originally a pagan feast and then hijacked, as well as this.

Overrunning your credit card limit on disposable gifts, throw away food and immediately forgotten greetings leaves me feeling that; All this good cheer is a pain in the nuts. The deadline that is created by this one dreaded day of the year induces panic, depression, fatigue and a general feeling of pissed offedness in many of us long suffering festive cynics.

Mind you, I have tried. For many years I tried to get the hang of faking enjoyment for other’s pleasure. However, in the end I was ground down by the commercialism, fakery, illusion and falsehood that is temptingly wrapped in tinsel each late December. For me, I’m sorry, my jingle won’t jangle.

I my mind, our collective good cheer, wishes of peace and goodwill to all men and shallow tidings with bells on are as worthless as the cheap paper they are wrapped in. One day of the year full of pseudo feelings of peace to all men is hardly a cure for the previous 364 days of selfish inhumanity. Yup. Christmas Sucks.

May I wish you all a totally unheartfelt, shallow and entirely disingenuous Merry Christmas full of peace, love and misunderstanding. See you when the world returns to its normal honest self.

By the way, I have written my letter to Santa and I am hoping to get a new iPod touch for Christmas. One of the new ones with a camera. I also asked him for a new guitar because I am bored with the old ones I have. I have also ordered a pheasant, foie gras and French oysters for our Christmas dinner. And then today, I received a nice letter from my bank saying I don’t have to make a payment on my credit card this month. So nice of them to just let the interest accumulate.

Happy Holidays!

In a note of sincerity though, I will take off my acerbic writing hat just for once to wish you all, my readers, a truly wonderful festive season and a very happy and prosperous New Year in 2010. My heartfelt appreciation goes to you all for following me in my first year a professional Idiot, and I look forward to interacting again with you soon. Like us all, I will take a short break to enjoy Christmas and New Year.

My best wishes to you all,
Derek

ps: If I get bored, I might be tempted to make a post or two though!

Derek’s Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
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Derek’s Author Page

Christmas Sucks
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4 thoughts on “Christmas Sucks

  • 24/12/2009 at 5:19 am
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    F*ck Christmas. Switch to Festivus. Feats of strength and airing of grievances are much more honest than all this holiday crap.

    PS–In all honesty, have a great holiday hiatus. :)

  • 24/12/2009 at 5:44 am
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    Despite Christmas being commercialized, Christmas is completely different in my mind. I just love the colorful, glittering decorations, the Christmas lights, that Christmas smell with all the gingerbread cookies and what not. Screw the gifts. I love that whole Christmas feel. I ignore the commercialism, the barbarians who want to kill each other over a Barbie doll, the greeting card companies who pump out meaningless phrases that people buy at the last minute, the sudden influx of charity orgnizations (where were they the last 11 months???), and the pointless fights over Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

  • 25/12/2009 at 9:03 pm
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    I honestly don't care what other people thing…most of the time. However, cliché as it is, I have grandchildren, and watching them at Christmas, or Easter or whatever holiday happens, truly makes me happy.

    I also love satire.

  • 25/12/2009 at 9:08 pm
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    Christmas brings out different feelings for all of us.

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