Derek’s Stupid and Deranged Silly Idiot Competition Results!
I am such an idiot myself that I really have to tell you that I got horribly confused, cried a lot and even though I asked my wife for help, I just couldn’t decide on a winner. There were so many entries and most were classic examples of supreme forms of positive idiocy.
So to make things easier on myself, I changed the rules. Well, they were my rules, so I can change them if I want. I have now awarded four third prizes, and just ignored the fact that I had promised a first and second place prize. I am sure you will understand. Well, come on, first prize was only a crappy CD anyway. All four winners get a signed book and CD now.
So, with a drumroll, the winners are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I promise, I forget. I badmouth, I regret. I commit, I desert. I’m lazy, I’m alert. I’m black and/or white. I’m darkness and/or light. I’m every shade of gray. I am more than I actually weigh. I’m the mouth that’ll never shut. I am your average idiot. I’m the tear that could never fall, I’m the big that was always small, I’m the dream that was never seen, I’m the grass that was never green, I’m the bell that was never rung, I’m the song that was never sung, I’m the duty that was no ones chore, I’m the no-one who will be no more, I’m the full lie in what’s half true, I’m the idiot you know or knew.
Derek’s Comment: Gaurav stood out as the only entry who went to the trouble of writing poetry to express his capabilities. So how could I resist. That effort alone deserved a prize. The other reason is that he looks a lot like my son. Must be the shaving habits I think.
I consider myself an idiot because I enter contests just to see my name in print… Wait. No, I don’t. Ummm, is this a trick question because I so totally don’t appreciate tricks. I never win anything, so really I am an idiot for even trying. How long do I have to ramble for? 500 Words. Yikes. Well, uh… do ellipses count in the word count? I hope so because I am such an idiot that I can’t think of anything better to say. Does this entry even count? Probably not. Oh well. I will be happy with a “Done good Babe.” Though, I am sooo not a pig. And please don’t call me Babe. Hmmm, what was the question?
Derek’s Comment: Elsley had to win something. She was the very first person silly enough to enter. That makes her a first class candidate. Of course there is the fact that she never wins anything. So I couldn’t resist spoiling her record.
Many would say I hold the idiot title already. I cannot spell simple words. I have been known to ask anyone within hearing distance how to spell the simplest of words. “How do you spell ‘boring’?” I asked the six year old sitting with his mom and baby sister at Starbucks. His mother thought I was implying that she was boring. When I tried to explain, she wondered why I was trying to engage her six year old. Was I some sort of freak? I gathered my laptop and quickly left. Fortunately, my iPhone now has an app that has solved this problem for me and saved me from being labeled (labled?) as some sort of predator.
Another idiot qualification is my inability to engage in party banter, especially with conservatives. When my brain recognizes certain key words and phrases, such as conspiracy, death panels and tea bagger, my eyes glaze over, and my mind plays tricks on me where I only hear every fifth or seventh word. I’m left praying that at no point I’m asked a question that actually requires an answer beyond, “Well, I’ll have to give that some thought”.
My greatest qualification is I voluntarily left my cool San Francisco and Colorado homes to live in a 42 sq ft 14 teardrop trailer that doesn’t even have plumbing. All of my clothes are in one suitcase, and if if it’s not available online, I don’t get to see it – assuming I can get wifi. Why did I do this? So I can make a point about living well while living small. Is anyone paying attention? Haven’t a clue.
In the picture I attached, you will notice I’m wearing a suede suite with knee length boots. Everyone is in summer wear. It’s Dallas, TX. It’s summer.
Derek’s Comment: Mara caught my attention with her photo. Caught in the wrong season I think. But the fashion seasons are so hard to calculate. I mean, when a summer collection comes out in January in Paris, who wouldn’t be confused? Her other winning attribute was moving from Hippieville to Nowhereville.
Why I’m An Idiot Too:
The wind pads around the house like a wildcat exploring its options, then it strikes with the force of a guillotine: a shock of -15 wind chill skewers the chimney and wrestles its way into the chilly living room. Husband keeps the thermostat at 54 – it’s cheaper that way. We’re in New England, after all, and it’s a point of honor to be fucking cheap here.
Three years ago on this day I was walking the beach in Waimanolo at dawn with a friend.
I’d been on the island of Oahu for two years. I had a good job there, good friends, a lovely house with a sunny lanai surrounded by birds of paradise and turtle doves. Ripe mangos fell into the hammock in my backyard as I lay with my laptop swinging in the silky sweetness of the trade winds. I was learning the sacred dance of the hula and I had just begun lessons in the Hawaiian language – one of the most magical languages still in existence. I had met a Hawaiian wise woman mentor who was showing me a world and way of being that meant more to me than any spiritual path had previously. Ten years of depression had lifted – I was connected to something deeply dear to me.
Then, three years ago, I left the islands behind – forever – to follow my grumpy New England husband back to this tiny, frigid, cheap New England town and bury myself for the rest of my life in granite mountains, harsh weather, cold friends, darkness.
Tell me that wasn’t the decision of an idiot! What makes me even more of an idiot is that I’m not even sure that I AM an idiot! I believed that promises made, honor, relationships, family are all more important than falling in love with a place. I still believe that! Which makes me even more of an idiot! Because how can that be – if it makes one so incredibly miserable?
Isn’t being miserable idiotic?!
And yet … honor is more important than love. Keeping a promise is more important than happiness. Giving up and letting go is better than holding on. Longing for something is better than having it. There: if you don’t think I am a bigger idiot than you are for believing all this bullshit then I don’t even WANT to listen to your gorgeous raspy manly voice on your CD!
Derek’s Comment: I have to be honest here. I selected Winslow because she really fulfilled all the criteria in one foul swoop. Accusing me of having a gorgeous raspy manly voice is proof that she listens to music with her head in a bucket of milk. Oh and similar to Mara she admitted moving from Paradise to Purgatory.
So to the winners, make sure your postman is honest and doesn’t steal your prizes!
Honourable Mentions to:
Clayton, Billy, Joanne, Cheryl, Ruth, Amber, Alice, Robert, Alex, Jean, Nettie, Kristie, Raquel and Sue who were just unlucky.
Thank you to everyone who entered. I had imagined that a couple of people may have been silly enough to enter, but I have been swamped by entries and have done nothing else for the past week sother than collate entries and laugh myself into stitches. Thanks again for your participation.